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Fri Oct 27, 2017 11:01 am
I lived as a recluse most my life, stayed home and kept to myself while everyone else did normal things, going out with friends, talking all the time, living it up. I never understood why people thought the way they did about me because I never liked looking people in the eyes or being around certain people I didn't know a thing about. By the time I started trying to relate after high school everyone just seen me the same way I was all through school, not worth the time, no guts or no care for anyone else when they just didn't understand the way I felt. Been called all kinds of things more times than I can possibly remember just because I'm afraid to look people in the eyes, I don't want your negativity in my head and if you try to explain they'll just think your crazy or you got some kind of problem and then that's when the toying and the jokes come out and over the years from childhood to adulthood it twisted me into an emotionally numbed and closed off human being.
I always wished I could read peoples minds and not so I could use it against them, I wanted it so I could protect myself and keep away from the wrong people and know if they were worth getting to know or if they would just use me for what they could get or how I made them look. I discovered I was empathic several years ago when I started reading about it - getting a light or heavy feeling in the chest, short of breath or feeling enlightened like I just got a breath of fresh air, my moods shifting all the time out of nowhere and just feeling when something was gonna go wrong or just soaking it all up like a sponge. I feel a tiny bit when it comes to the atmosphere and whos around me but when I look in their eyes it really flares up.
its a curse and a blessing to look in societies eyes and see the hate, envy, spite or whatever else and have it control your way of life and how you interact with people, so I never do, I don't wanna know how people feel about me but I'm grateful for it at the same time because its just like anything else, there's a dark side to everything, a balance of some sort.